I had one of my weekly counseling sessions last Tuesday and learned a little more than I expected. I had a discussion with a friend from my old DBT training group which sparked a conversation with my clinician. On Monday I saw my psychiatrist and he added a new medication to help with my violent dreams. When I told my friend what the new medication was, she said that she took it also but for a different reason than I.
So I asked my clinician what the difference between her PTSD and my BPD was. I knew that they shared some symptoms because we are on a lot of the same medications. She told me they both fit under the anxiety category. The anxiety is just caused by different triggers. BPD has the issue with anxiety or fear of being abandoned while PTSD has anxiety about one main trauma. They are medicated alike because people who live with BPD have usually been abandoned and fear it will happen again. This causes trauma, much like the trauma that a person living with PTSD would have experienced. Now this is news to me.
All along, I’ve been thinking that my unsettling dreams meant I have not truly moved on from my troubled past, but really it was the fear of abandonment that motivated the dreams. As I sit in her office, I apply this new information into different parts of my life and suddenly every emotion I’ve ever felt made sense. All of a sudden I realized that I was not angry with a person but afraid of bring left alone again. I cried and cried hard. I’m not quite sure why yet, but this apifany has made me realize that I have some more of myself to work on. At least now I know I’m on the correct track! Nobody is perfect!
Do you know someone who posts everything going on in their life on social media? How about someone who is “in love” with a new person every week? Or better yet, those who claim to be “in love” with more than one person at once and posting ever meaningless (to us anyways) piece of information about their relationships for everyone to see? I know a few people like this and im sure you do too. How can we politely tell these people to shut up?
Now, on average, I update my personal facebook status 1-2 times a day. Sometimes with good news, other times with my accomplishments for the day. Some people update their status way too often. We do not care that you had a fight with your girlfriend/boyfriend. Its fine to get it off your chest if you MUST but for the sake of all your social media friends, please keep the drama off our feeds. There is a reason why there is an age limit to get a profile so stop acting like your in middle school. Stop calling people out in your statuses. It just makes you look immature and petty. Especially if you will continue the relationship/friendship. You will end up looking like a hypocrite.
In the past I have caused drama with my then-girlfriend/now-wife on Facebook when we were going through something that should have been kept private. It hurt feelings and was permanently up on the internet. It was childish and made me realize that we all need to know when the information we give is too much. We need to learn when enough is enough!
Why is it so much more aggravating when our kids throw tantrums in front of other people, be it family, friends, or strangers. I find it embaracing in public places like the grocery store or laundromat but more particularly, places where everyone is supposed to talk in hushed tones like the library, doctor’s office or hospital.
When disciplining our children in public places can be viewed as abuse and talking to them in even tones doesn’t get through to them, what are you supposed to do? I’d like to say that I would never hit my daughter because it teaches her to hit but there are times where I feel that it is called for. It is when they are putting themselves in danger that I throw this rule out the door. Power outlets, heaters, and chemicals under the sink are all big no-no’s in my house. And I find that saying no and slapping the offending body part does the job (I say body part because my daughter will use her foot to touch things I have already said she couldn’t). This helps clarify what is being done wrong.
So is it ok to dicipline in this manner in public? Just a stinging tap on the hand should be ok, as long as you don’t go overboard in my opinion. But if this doesnt work, I remove my daughter from the situation and let her throw her fit. The way I see it, she should be allowed to show her anger and frustration as much as her happiness and love. They are all emotions and all healthy when balanced. My job is to teach her when and where to let emotions overcome her. By leaving the grocery store because she was crying and flailing in the cart, we show her that we do not permit those actions. By bringing yer to the car, we show her that this is a safe place to act out.
Some may say that allowing my daughter to act this way anywhere could be harmful in the long run. I say the time to teach is not when they are freaking out but when they are calm and receptive. I want to teach her constructive ways to deal with emotion and to do that, she must be open to learning at that moment. It is not time to teach when they are hungry, wet or tired. They will not take the time to listen and understand what you are trying to teach them. What are your feelings on this subject?
7. I have been writing a book for about three years though I haven’t had much time to work on it because of this new blog.
8. I did not give birth to my daughter. My wife did but I was right there with her. Kicker is, we didnt know she was pregnant until two hours before the baby was born.
9. My wife and I moved into our apartment a year ago and we just recently finished decorating the walls with picture frames and canvases with sayings on them. Now its time to put my own photos in those picture frames! We procrastinate!
10. We want to get our daughter a kitten. We plan to adopt a female soon. I grew up with pets so I want my daughter to grow up that way too!
Now, as many of you may not know, I have problems with sleep. I have trouble falling asleep without my medication and staying asleep because of violent and disturbing dreams.
Sometimes these dreams just don’t make sense (like I feel so heavy, can’t walk and keep falling down) and in others they play out a subconscious violent side of me. I’ve also had dreams where I knew I was dreaming. I’ve even tried to reach out vocally but couldn’t put words together.
Once in a while, I can’t remember my dreams until days later when I am introduced to something (smell, object, situation) that reminds me of the dream. Most of the time they take place in a setting I have dreamt about before (a certain building or around certain people). And a lot of the time I wake up feeling moody on the days where I remember the having the dream upon waking up.
In a way, the violent dreams remind me of the old me. A me that was very unhappy and wildly emotional. Today I have more control over my reactions and actions, and I am able to feel emotions without being highly sensitive in many situations. But there are still many days where I struggle to stay on top of my emotions, and these days happen after nights when I do not take my medications.
The mood swings that come when I have these dreams are hard to manage. At the end of the day, I have my DBT skills to lean on. They make things easier to get through with my emotional wellbeing somewhat intact. In reality, my dreams allow me to act out feelings that I cannot show during the day. Maybe thats what dreams are for… to help us come to terms with the crazy events of our lives.
I’m in the midst of trying to develop a theory of parenthood that solves my “only one parent at birth” problem. (Check out yesterday’s post if this makes no sense to you.) But I need to interrupt myself to talk about this story from today’s NYT. It’s not totally off-point because it concerns the marital presumption of legal parenthood, which has been a topic of conversation in the comments recently.
So here are the basic facts of the NY case. A lesbian couple (Amalia C and Melissa M) decided they wanted to have a child. Melissa gave birth to a child. Amalia sought to complete a second-parent adoption–a process that would make her the child’s second parent without disturbing Melissa’s rights. This is a well-recognized process in NY.
But, according to the judge considering the adoption, there was a problem: The two women had gotten married in 2011 and NY recognized this…